What if God is a Metaphor for Longing?
 

by Animashaun Ameen

After Adedayo Agarau’s “God’s easiest wrath is absence.”

A song is trying to escape my throat and
I am holding my hands to my neck to stop it
from escaping. It is funny how thin the line
between death and escape can be. Like my father,
I, too, want everything my hands are too small to hold. 
A crow calls me from my father’s yard,
telling me to sing, to fly, to reach for all the things
I am not meant to have. I asked a friend why the idea
of dying dances around on his tongue. He said:

                                        No, Ameen, I do not want to die.
                                        I want to be dead.

And this little bit of paradox left me with more
questions than my head is willing to hold. Somewhere
within my bones, an odd song is blaring and I do not know
how to stop this song without damaging myself.
Dear God, I did not ask to be a jukebox.
Dear God, I did not ask for this song.
My father said if ever the song gets too loud and starts
drowning me, I should close my eyes and pretend this,
too, is one of God’s mighty plans.
Right now, I am closing my eyes.
Right now, my eyes are tightly shut.

Animashaun Ameen is a Nigerian poet and essayist. His writings are mostly centered on memory, sexuality, and identity. His works have appeared/forthcoming in  The Drinking Gourd, Stone of Madness Press, Perhappened Magazine, EroGospel, and elsewhere. He lives and writes from Lagos, Nigeria. An oddball. A butterfly. He tweets @AmeenAnimashaun.